Its been a year to be more precise! My how time flies. This year has seen me complete my degree (my nemesis some might have said), change jobs once (almost twice), move house, buy a car and lose many friends to the wonder of the UK.
I haven’t written in awhile, because to be honest I have a hard enough time just getting on day by day. Towards the end of last year after finishing uni I experienced a massive come down, one of epic proportions. It lasted throughout summer (my favorite time of year) and I questioned every thing about myself. I finally went and sought help for this 6 months ago, as it was really affecting my attitude to life, and my relationships. I wanted to close myself off from the world, and the easiest daily activities became like mountains to conquer. Because I felt this way, I also felt like I had failed. I thought I had beaten depression, why on earth had this terrible darkness returned? Bare in mind, I am not naive. I know that this kind of condition doesn’t ever really go away, so you just need to be equipped to manage it. After talking to my doctor, I resigned myself to the fact I should probably go back on antidepressants. This decision I didn’t take lightly, trust me. I had tried everything in my power, all my usual tricks to increase my mood, however this time I was too far gone for these to work.
The pills helped sure. Except they stop you from feeling. Some days I would feel a little too excited, almost manic. Yet I wouldn’t get pangs in my stomach, rushes of excitement or sadness and gradually I begun to feel, well, numb. Not bad numb, just numb enough to not really need any kind of endorphin’s from anything else. Like exercise, or sex. Naturally, when one in a relationship suddenly has no interest in sex, it has some affect on your partner. Now we have not been together forever, we’re not married, so I cannot use the excuse that you hear thrown around about being married. Anyway, I did explain to him that this would be the case, however it really motivated me to come off the pills sooner rather than later. So after persevering with them for only 2.5 – 3 months (at only a half dose I might add), I went off these cold turkey. Big mistake!! I had nightmares, cold sweats and felt nauseous 24/7. To the point I thought I was pregnant (I do know what morning sickness feels like!). Thank goodness I wasn’t (terrible time to bring new life into the world). It shocked me how my body reacted. I mean, I would’ve expected such side effects from coming off these pills had i been on them for a long time, say 6 months – a year. However in that short time, my body has obviously become used to that serotonin hit… I didn’t know what to think. Lets be honest though, going cold turkey off anything is a bad idea, so I re thought my process and went back to the pills… and weaned myself off them over a period of 2-3 weeks by taking a quarter a day down to none. And here I am, 3 months later, drug free and kind of just o.k, but feeling.And it is good to feel.. because as a human, what else do we have really? If we lose our emotions, we just become robots. Which may be where technology says half the workforce is going, but that’s not how the human race survives.
To finish up, I am in a better place than I was before I went back on anti-depressants, however I am still having some deep internal battles that I have to figure out. Will these ever go away? Yes, I am determined they will.