Journey to the finish line

A few months ago, (OK more than a few months, maybe like 5), I signed up to run a half marathon. I have done one previously, some 9 years ago (that’s a scary thought, time flies) and had major aspirations of running a similar time. Well, as the date of the race has drawn nearly, I am under no illusion as to how unrealistic that desire is!!! I have made peace with it, now that I have finally started training, and have set a realistic goal time based on the stage I am now in life and the amount of time I have to prepare.  Typical of me, I have left things a little late. No need to berate oneself, just get on and do the job. Whats that saying – why start tomorrow what you can do today and all that… Easier said than done though right?

The amount of times I have come home from work and tossed aside the idea of going for a run, even a walk because I wasn’t feeling up to it. Cut to two hours later and I am feeling even worse, a) because I haven’t gone for a run as I had planned, and b) the longer I leave in between bouts of exercise, the more my endorphin’s decrease, the worse my mood gets. One would say its a vicious cycle, all it takes to break it is just putting on those shoes or directing my car to the gym (easier said than done though again).  One will never understand why we do the opposite to what we KNOW will make us feel better, work better, live better. I know binge drinking is bad, yet I still do (not as much as I used too though I must say, I have matured in my old age). I am currently halfway through reading “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil, in which he takes about a series of Life Laws. They make sense, and I think he is on to something here. Anyway, so far I identify very well with all of the Life Laws and his position on playing a victim in terms events in your life. This is relevant, as I realised a pretty big home truth the other day…. I was sitting in a kayak in the small bay of Musket Cove Island Resort, during my holiday to Fiji and it suddenly dawned on me. I have spent so much of my life looking at what other people are doing, comparing myself, berating myself for not being at a certain level/size/weight/age etc… that I have completely lacked investment into my own direction. We are all unique, our life circumstances are different, our talents, our pitfalls, why does it make sense to compare ourselves to others? I actually Googled the term the other day, and strategies to stop yourself from comparing yourself… I didn’t find anything earth shattering to be honest. So the result really was, don’t do it, everyone has their own path to follow and is responsible for the outcome. SO – I have resolved that this will be my new mantra – we will see how this goes. My other mantra is to write a blog post daily for the month of September – mainly to rid my head of the constant thought dissecting that goes on. This is why I love running, the time that it gives you to yourself to process what goes on in your head. I just wish I could remember this feeling, and the after effects, every time I drag myself out for a run! Well let this post serve as a reminder, its on the internet now, it has to be real right?!

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Its been awhile

Its been a year to be more precise! My how time flies. This year has seen me complete my degree (my nemesis some might have said), change jobs once (almost twice), move house, buy a car and lose many friends to the wonder of the UK.

I haven’t written in awhile, because to be honest I have a hard enough time just getting on day by day. Towards the end of last year after finishing uni I experienced a massive come down, one of epic proportions. It lasted throughout summer (my favorite time of year) and I questioned every thing about myself. I finally went and sought help for this 6 months ago, as it was really affecting my attitude to life, and my relationships. I wanted to close myself off from the world, and the easiest daily activities became like mountains to conquer. Because I felt this way, I also felt like I had failed. I thought I had beaten depression, why on earth had this terrible darkness returned? Bare in mind, I am not naive. I know that this kind of condition doesn’t ever really go away, so you just need to be equipped to manage it. After talking to my doctor, I resigned myself to the fact I should probably go back on antidepressants. This decision I didn’t take lightly, trust me. I had tried everything in my power, all my usual tricks to increase my mood, however this time I was too far gone for these to work.

The pills helped sure. Except they stop you from feeling. Some days I would feel a little too excited, almost manic. Yet I wouldn’t get pangs in my stomach, rushes of excitement or sadness and gradually I begun to feel, well, numb. Not bad numb, just numb enough to not really need any kind of endorphin’s from anything else. Like exercise, or sex. Naturally, when one in a relationship suddenly has no interest in sex, it has some affect on your partner. Now we have not been together forever, we’re not married, so I cannot use the excuse that you hear thrown around about being married. Anyway, I did explain to him that this would be the case, however it really motivated me to come off the pills sooner rather than later. So after persevering with them for only 2.5 – 3 months (at only a half dose I might add), I went off these cold turkey. Big mistake!! I had nightmares, cold sweats and felt nauseous 24/7. To the point I thought I was pregnant (I do know what morning sickness feels like!).  Thank goodness I wasn’t (terrible time to bring new life into the world). It shocked me how my body reacted. I mean, I would’ve expected such side effects from coming off these pills had i been on them for a long time, say 6 months – a year. However in that short time, my body has obviously become used to that serotonin hit… I didn’t know what to think. Lets be honest though, going cold turkey off anything is a bad idea, so I re thought my process and went back to the pills… and weaned myself off them over a period of 2-3 weeks by taking a quarter a day down to none. And here I am, 3 months later, drug free and kind of just o.k, but feeling.And it is good to feel.. because as a human, what else do we have really? If we lose our emotions, we just become robots. Which may be where technology says half the workforce is going, but that’s not how the human race survives.

To finish up, I am in a better place than I was before I went back on anti-depressants, however I am still having some deep internal battles that I have to figure out. Will these ever go away? Yes, I am determined they will.