I spent a few restless hours before I went to sleep last night HATING myself because I haven’t done enough exercise in the past week. Studying and working full-time doesn’t leave you much free time to fit in the things you love, let alone need – like exercise. One thing though, I never have enough time for is food! After dealing with an bulimia for 10 years, I don’t think your relationship with food ever goes back to normal (if it ever was normal – and what is normal anyway?!). I find the harder I work, the less exercise I do, and the more I eat. Then it gets to the stage where I think I’ve come this far now, there’s no point in doing a workout when I haven’t been for 4 days! That statement about starting today vs tomorrow is all well and good, but sometimes the internal battle is so strong the logic of the argument gets lost! Anyway – back to my interrupted slumber last night.
I know that the only way that i’ll feel any better is to do some form of exercise. This was one of my coping mechanisms when it came to getting over my bulimia. It didn’t have to be an all consuming workout that required a gym, but any form of physical activity that moved my body and distracted my mind from the ugly voices and the impulsive eating. Getting outside and getting fresh air is the best form of therapy… like the old saying of the endorphin. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my early 20’s (just adding to my list), the anti-depressants I was supplied with caused me to gain massive amounts of weight. Which of course – was just GRAND when it came to my bulimia! You can imagine it. Anyway – the one thing that really helped me keep it reasonably under control during this period was exercise.. once again! I even went through a period were I was running up to 100km a week (in my typical fashion – taking everything to the extreme). All of the running keep my moods at a pretty peak level – however I STILL wasn’t able to quite the purging for good. Maybe I wasn’t ready I don’t know – but I certainly didn’t need too – I was burning at least 900 calories a day running alone. I look back now and realise that it was probably all part of the disease – an exercise addiction.
BUT here I am many years later and still battling with the ‘fat’ feeling! But let me elaborate – I have accepted my body for what I am, and the feeling I have is more pressure that I put on myself to meet my high expectations of what I should look like. They say that majority of those who suffer from eating disorders are high achievers, perfectionist, that kind of thing. I could rattle off some stats – but you get the jist. It does make sense to me – although I don’t know if I would classify myself a high achiever anymore. One thing I do know is that my mind has been affected over all these years – my mind and my coordination. I was always pretty good at sports, yet I am pretty sure that years of throwing up have ruined certain aspects of that . I will add this to my research list I think. Back to those expectations though – I am in a place now where I can eat a big meal (I am pretty anal about what I eat anyway) and feel content. No longer do I have those nasty voices in my head, or do I get anxious around food, or do I feel guilty around food! This Christmas it will be my 3 year anniversary FREE from B. Dont get me wrong, I think I have slipped up twice in the first year of that – however I decided to stick with the Christmas anniversary as the slip ups were nothing compared to how I used to be. Christmas was always the worst day – a day spent eating and purging, in your own little world not really aware of what was going on – only the impending toilet visit and plotting strategies to ensure that no one could see what you were doing. I am so proud to have been able to say goodbye to that.
Chow for now x