Fast forward 10 years, and here I am working for a global organisation in communications, whilst studying full time to complete my university degree. The degree that has taken me almost 5 year to knock off. I’ve just spent the past 48 hours trying to finish an assignment – so really the last thing I feel like doing is writing. But I don’t want to lose momentum! So here I am.
I sometimes wonder what sequence of events triggered the change in me, from a self depreciating and involved, irresponsible young twenty something, to what I am today. I wouldn’t say I am the most motivated person I know – but that person, that friend of B’s… She would not cope with the lifestyle I have cultivated for my these days. So what changed? I disagree with the maturity thing – I was always mature but I think the reality dawned on me the direction I was heading when I discovered who my father really was. The reality that I could possibly be following in his footspteps knocked some sense into me.
I always wonder if we really cannot escape the people that we are meant to be. The worlds we are born into, nature vs nurture and all that. You can’t help but look at your parents and wonder what of their traits you have inherited. I have spent the last 6 years running scared that I posses the same lack of life satisfaction that led my favourite to be the philandering outlaw that he is. After all, all my life people had been telling me I was the image of him. I had taken that as a compliment in the past, he has a voracious sense of humour and is always the life of the party. He would walk into a room and light it up. You couldn’t put your finger on it – but he had IT whatever IT is. He used that for most of his life, with woman, in business, in every aspect. It was his downfall, it is his downfall. But he doesn’t see it. Still to this day. I have been unable to have a relationship with him anymore, since everything happened, because of this. I don’t need to get into detail about what actually happened but to paint a picture it involves:
- Multiple affairs
- Money laundering
- My mother being dragged through hell
- Mountains of debt
- Loss of cars and other things
- No apology
The list goes on.
I guess that all explains why I live in fear of turning out like him. Not that I would, my bulimia started as a result of rebellion from his undiagnosed controlling of me.. In a subtly way I might add (he did this to my mother as well). It ended when I set myself free from him – from his need for me to be the perfect specimen he has strangely needed me to be.
One thing that I have learnt is you need to forgive people in order to move on with life. It’s cliche I know, but I try and look at it from a slightly different angle…(in noway is this profound) however, everyone has their faults and flaws. That is what makes people different. Some of my favourite people infuriate me 50% of the time (perhaps I am impatient). What I mean by this is, you cannot hold people’s faults against them. And when I say faults, I am meaning more along the lines of morals and values… Which isn’t really a fault. As to them, your morals and values might seem crazy. I think I am going around in circles with what I am trying to say here – but fundamentally I can’t hold what my father grew up believing to be normal against him. It doesn’t mean I have to just carry on and play happy families though. I believe in energy – and with bad energy brings bad karma. You remove that from your life, and you will flourish. Sometimes you need to take a step back from situations to truely understand what is bad and what is perhaps really the right kind of bad. We all need a little spice in our life, however a little too much upsets the balance!
Speaking of balance – I need to get more in my life. More on that later! Xx